Yukihimekumiko's Xanga

Trying to fill the Emptiness with words

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:56:44 GMT

Should be drawing... no worries since i know i can finish my drawing...only taking a moment here.
I even regret filling these pages with my thoughts and words...but it builds up always and here it becomes just so easy to let it out sometimes...
I realized how during the week i live in this cycle.. it's like clinging to a rock until the tide goes down (ebbing is the weekend), and it's inevitable that the high tide will return in an ever-occurring cyclic pattern, and so all i can do is hold on, wait, and hope to be able to cope.
And yet i don't know the meaning of true sadness. Should be thankful.

Far Away

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 03:01:53 GMT

How lucky she is to have black eyes...
Dark liquid eyes that can be cold, aloof, yet also kind all at once.
Unreadable eyes that stare into the distance...
But i think they're really dark brown.

Hi

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:43:16 GMT

I feel happy. It might be due to the fact that the weekend is here. Because i can't really see any other outstanding reason for it. > <
This weekend i have a feeling that things are going to change. It may be too late for me to pass some of my classes (i predict that if i fail any, it will be 2/5...i know, it sucks right?), but now is like the latest time i would have to take charge if there is any time left at all. I just hope that i'm not living some deluded fantasy by hoping that i can still make it if it is really impossible. I'm really counting on the possibility that there really is one more chance.

Also, my room is going to get clean for real this weekend. I know that i cannot clear everything completely in the span of 3 days, but i can reduce the messiness by a significant amount. It may sound silly, but it's a lot more beneficial to one's well-being to have clean open space. It can really make a difference.

Anyway, i had this silly idea. There's a bunch of junk i can't keep. And so i thought of selling it. Ridiculous maybe, especially since the last time we had a garage sale a man was balking over the $5 price listed on an office chair, but i was thinking of a mini garage sale. I would simply set up this folding table that we have with what i intend to sell (A ping-pong table would be great for this! But my mom wouldn't let me >o<). I want to put up a sign that says "Everything is $1.00 or less. Please buy from me, i'm poor! But Mother says it's stupid because no one in our neighborhood can read/ speak English. She sounded real about that too! Come on, no one? Aren't you exaggerating just a tad? > >''
And i shall sit in front of the table with a big wide brimmed hat on my head. Maybe i'll have a book with me because i bet no one will come, and i need to pass the time. I wonder if this is even a good idea. I just hope that no one checks on me while i'm out there. I plan to sell some things that i can't have Mother or Father seeing. XD lol Good luck to me i guess
Here's to HOPE! And OPTIMISM! (i bet this won't last long -.-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4plEI-mdOA
Simple song by GACKT (it's fun to say!) that i like. Wake Me Up....

-- 10:30
Haha, something funny happened... right now, as i'm in my mini money crisis...
I was looking for something, and went through my top drawer. I saw my pile of cards that relatives have sent over the years, and went through them, thinking i could have left money in one or something. It turns out, i left $10 in 2 different cards and i found a card from 2008 that i never opened O.o Found $30 total. Yey =DD > <

I hope my family dies

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 03:05:19 GMT

Or rather me. Is it bad to wish for independence? If i could go my own way without judgments, (i can't believe there's no 'e' in judgment between the 'd' and the 'g'), pressure, disapproval, or choices being made for me... i would simply quit college and go get a job like my bro. (The funny thing is that he idly mentions wanting to go to college but never does anything about it so idk if it's true..) Work as quickly as possible, so as to build up my finances. I could skip unnecessary things for a while. Maybe i should start buying lottery tickets. Actually that's laughable. I know with my luck i would never win anything. I never have, because i was always a loser and always will be. Now, back to finishing homework and studying for a test that i will fail from a class i was destined to fail from the moment i walked in the door.....

The Wake-up Call I Needed.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 04:18:09 GMT

So...i usually like to write when my emotions are fired up, and raw, like exposed nerve endings. Now things have smoothed over, and i feel more indifferent again. Previously, out of frustration i ripped up my 2 larger art projects, the bones and stripes. They weren't good at all anyway, and now i have an excuse to start over. My teacher's going to wring my neck however.... [why am i so fond of ripping things up? x3]
Saturday was interesting. I brought about yet another dent in the corolla. This one is in the back. Now, the very front is the only section of the car that has not been damaged in any way. (Well, Bryan nearly hit a tree. There is a huge tire rut carved into the grass right next to it.) *crossing my fingers*
I went to the Good Will store, because i'm looking for a certain article of clothing. I was going in the guise of a poor person; unintentionally though it was, i felt like one. Wearing that jacket with the holes in both sleeves, a shirt with 2 large ink spots at the bottom, and those baggy green pants that slip down on me, i went in. The place was large, pretty neat. The clothes were organized according to colors and style, kind of like i read about.

The funny thing is that while i nearly died on the highway (but didn't, thank goodness), the dent to the back bumper was actually sustained while backing out of my driveway. This was, i believe, the first 'accident' i have been in that was not my fault. (well, i'm sure i could have prevented it by being more careful...that's something i need to work on...) One of the neighbor's dorky friends backed into my car with his big red van thing. I did not think he was backing out, because he had just pulled in! What's with that? Anyway, while i inspected the damage, which did not look bad at the time, he came out and looked too. He offered his number if i wanted to settle it with insurance or whatever, but i declined, because all i needed was more beef from the 'rents. I should have told him "just give me $50 right here and i'll be okay with it" or something. Whatever....i thought i could bang out the dent from inside the trunk..but that shit didn't work. Of course the big D noticed it right away. He figured it was me without a second thought, and pursued me for answers. Pfft...i clammed up; not going to incriminate myself. I'm kind of at odds with the whole fam right now. It cooled down a little though... but i realized that i really do not want to go visit PA this Xmas break. It's complicated...but there are just reasons why i can't and won't do it.
I will live in the park like a hobo. You'll have to drag me there. . .
My parents seem to like telling my relatives that my bro and i are bad kids lately...thanks a lot guys...

And at this moment, my main goal is, to escape... but i know for now that i will just have to hold on. It is difficult at this point in my life to connect the here-and-now to the future. I want to tell myself that if i try hard now, it will make everything meaningful later. I just have a hard time focusing, being dedicated, and overall, caring. There will [hopefully] be a whole life later to be free; i must patiently bear my shackles for now...

Oh yeah, last night, i had this weird dream...it was about drugs o.o idk why... i had this stuff, it looked like granules of sea salt, but larger.. Anyway, some of it was clear/ white, but the rest was like a sea-green color, for some reason. O.o i looked up "crystal meth" and found that the stuff in my dream pretty much resembled it. http://spinellimd.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/crystal-meth.jpg
I was with someone else, at a table, and the stuff was spread out on the table top. There was a feeling of being late to school; it felt more like high school days. My mom was in the background i think o.o It was like a small room...not much natural light. Anyway, i was trying to gather up everything on the table into one pile, to use. My mom had no problem with it; she was just sitting passively in the background. In fact, she might have been giving me tips. o.o The person i was with was standing behind me i believe. I was starting to use the "meth", but for some reason i took a pinch and ate it. The person was telling me that you inhale / sniff it (is that even what you do with meth? XD), but i was saying that it should have the same effect, and just kept on eating it . . .weird.

Stupid obsessions about things that make no difference or have no real significance
But if it worked, in the end you can say, "I risked my life for that."

I just have to marvel at how everyone else seems to have it together while I’m always falling apart at the seams…

Yeah...it's kind of like that

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:28:18 GMT

Ack...today i was almost late for psych again.... i left late late late and i was speeding (it was around the same time too as the day i got the speeding ticket) but there were no police today.. what a trick of fate. Anyway, i made it 10 minutes late. For some reason i was under the illusion that it was 20 instead of 10. I was driving really fast thru the lot and did a sudden turn into a space. When i hopped out, a guy who was coming out of a car next to me said "Nice drift." lol

So i was trying to do the work for my next class during psych but then the teacher asked us to do this self identity activity and i got a bit carried away in that... so basically, despite the hour break and how hard i worked i was late for my next class. I saved the shame and did not even try to go in; i simply sank down along the wall and let my exasperation out (read: cried.) Then i went to my car and drove around to let off some steam. It was just another crappy day.

I think i'm getting addicted to coffee. o.o This the morning i drank a tall glass of black-as-night coffee with sugarrr (not real 'sugar' though, yet i wonder if it's just as bad? *researches*) and i must say that i prefer milk. :D woot.

Riding a bike in the streets during the nighttime is freakin' scary.. even moreso than plain walking. I dunno why that feels so weird o.o'' Ahh i'm going to bed earlier tonight. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I need to learn how to do work, instead of putting it off until the last moment. I think i'm caught up for now. But i should be starting other things, like studying for the algebra test that is a week from today. Need to do that little by little because i absolutely have to pass this time. At least my friend didn't pass either...we both failed both tests. lol. (what kind of friend am i??!! I just mean that i feel a bit better knowing i'm not the only one ~.~'')

This song randomly popped into my head and it's been there for a while. I miss that 90's pop every now and then.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUtnwcv-quE

I feel kind of bad, because slow people make me somewhat ticked. My newest habit is screaming [not exactly screaming] out the lyrics to fast songs in my car. lol...it lets some of the stress and anger out i guess. <3 speeding 4 evarr (i actually heard someone say 'evar' once. It was funny.)

Cultivating opium in my backyard

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:18:44 GMT

HOw do i have time to come here and write this nonsense? XD Why do i even have a smiling face right there before this sentence?? Heehe. Well all i know is that i should be doing homework. I typed the 10 questions out, answered 1, then stopped. I think that the fact that they must be typed up on the computer and then printed out is in itself hindering me. It would be so much better and easier if i could only write it out, as strange as that may sound.

[Note: this work is due tomorrow. I had all weekend and yesterday to do it and i'm just starting on it now. FML]

My friend asked me to come to his church o.o;; Awkward...i had to kindly decline. XD

Oh man i could kick myself!! Why, i wonder for the zillionth time, did i delete my old blogdrive? I seriously have to ask if they can recover it. I know it'll be far too late o_o..... but i need to see the things i wrote! Plus i miss that style of writing that i used to have. > < wahhh. Gone but not forgotten...no that doesn't exactly fit. Bleh. Meh. Back to homework.

No wait, eff that. I'm going to sleep because it's been almost 24 hours since i got some and i can always do this work in the morning. Right? Right. :D

I would say "there's just no enough time in a day" but the blame can only be put on myself and my procrastination..

Time is Fleeting

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:22:23 GMT

As she ran as fast as she could and struggled to catch her breath, her mind asked, "Is this what you wanted?"

Heck yes, i finally found the lyrics to Barrier/ Baria!!! I've been searching for quite a while...

http://nijigen.livejournal.com/2160.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6ufC3NWiw4 <3

''I can keep living now without feeling anything
All those things I had believed in, is now collapsing''
Heee.^^

Some things... you will never, ever forget.

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 08:58:02 GMT

There seems to be this new trend of distorted music...where as the car continues driving down the street the music tends to become more distorted... or is that just a trick of angles and sound waves? I swear it isn't though o.o;;

Oh! I cracked my coconut open yesterday! ^0^

my foot really is as long as my forearm. I cannot get over how weird that is.

~~~~

D: Should i go to upcoming math tutoring session? > < dont wana...blarg

I try not to keep those lies i tell myself that seem to become true after a while...

I am the master of key duplicationz... lol ive been to Ace like 3x already to do it and there's one more i'd like to do...almost did it yesterday but im scared... they probably think im crazy over there cuz the same smiling man cuts my key everytime and the cashier girl with the gravelly voice (not rly, just deeper) and dead nonchalant stare checks me out every time... heck i had to run back to the car and dig up 13 cents from the car floor... its ...kind of embarrassing... (well what day was that again? wuz like way back before i got my ticket + accident..)

Walking outside, strolling around the neighborhood always made me feel sad, for some reason... like, happy at the same time...i dunno, just can't explain it... [Wistful! That's what the word is!] Oh my camera batteries are really starting to suck...like they take less time to recharge but they lose their power really quickly... x.x i seriously cant live w/o my camera...lolz, maybe i should try putting the battery in the fridge..

I've forgotten what it feels like to be desperate and shivering in the cold. Missed it, kind of. Rather than feeling sorry for myself tho it rather makes me feel alive. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-1VVty7Tpc [Even though it's not such a strong 'desperation' as before..]

Being bad is "funner" than being good for the most part... i was thinking about speeding and stuff (not what im referring to tho) and how like "once u go u cant come back" heeh ..too far gone? =] nahhh ;p You actually can come back...it's just hard.

Coffee in a gin bottle! XD Random i kno...

Delusional...delusional gawd i love that word :]~

I leaned on it, put all my weight there and somehow still knew nothing of what it must be like.... 8-11(?)-09 ;o

HAHAH oh this song, i remember it was on FFR i think... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBVmnBBQzA0
i feel like dancing around lalaa...for some reason i like when songs do remix to classical music...even tho it might seem cliche..teehee.. ;D
That made me miss my headset thingy too D; aww

Bryan was singing this song at lunch... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31bd0bNI-jA i didn't recognize it at the time, but when i looked it up on Youtube i was like hahh i totally rmr this song! I just never knew what they said. XD Apparently its a remake.

SOmething kind of happened...i knew at once that it had to be tonight, but i didn't get this way until more recently ..... i had a mini revelation... no...well....something is changing XD;; The way i feel now, i haven't felt in a whilee
Dunno. I can feel it... sure ive said it before but...... well i just have this hyperness x.x'' heeeee o.o''
And it's me. That's what the fuck it was ;D teehee. I'm not some 'thing' either. But what does it matter?

Thanks. A lot.....

Specificity

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 17:20:08 GMT

Oh, there are always fun discussions in psychology..

Dr. Green: “I’m disappointed. A lot of college students don’t know where conception takes place. Some do, but a lot of college students don’t know. So where does conception take place?”
Boy: “72 hours after.”
Dr. Green: “But where?”
Boy: “In a bed.”
Italian guy: “Sometimes in a car.”

Dr. Green: "So what are the gonads?"
Boy: "Your brain thingy."
Kid behind him: "No, but people think with them sometimes."

The Clock fell off the wall and made this really loud bang and the guy behind me said "paranormal activity!!"

Apparently, my psych prof. goes to the gym about 3x per week. o.o We were talking about ideal ages and everyone, including me was really surprised to find that his age was 71. o.o" When i asked, he said his ideal age was around 40~50...it was interesting.

Nida and i were talking about majors and stuff...she's going into political science...i still dunno what i want to do...all i know is that i have to get my crap together soon D;

I got kicked out of a class for the first time in my life on Tuesday...it sucked. And i heard from a friend that we had arrived there only a very short time after the teacher herself came to the classroom (which was 15 minutes late, mind you)

Eddie: "Hey, I think i saw you driving the other day....going all crazy.."
Me: "Yep, it was probably me then..."

Me: "I come from the left side, and i'm like, 'oh cool, there's my car!'. But if i come from the right side, i see that big dent and i'm like 'oh shit, that's my car...' " Man it really hurts to see it T_T''

Well it's Thursday which means the end of my school week....yey ^^ i don't want to work on art projects this weekend @.@''
Something has to change this weekend ;D