Should be drawing... no worries since i know i can finish my drawing...only taking a moment here. I even regret filling these pages with my thoughts and words...but it builds up always and here it becomes just so easy to let it out sometimes... I realized how during the week i live in this cycle.. it's like clinging to a rock until the tide goes down (ebbing is the weekend), and it's inevitable that the high tide will return in an ever-occurring cyclic pattern, and so all i can do is hold on, wait, and hope to be able to cope. And yet i don't know the meaning of true sadness. Should be thankful.
How lucky she is to have black eyes... Dark liquid eyes that can be cold, aloof, yet also kind all at once. Unreadable eyes that stare into the distance... But i think they're really dark brown.
I feel happy. It might be due to the fact that the weekend is here. Because i can't really see any other outstanding reason for it. > < This weekend i have a feeling that things are going to change. It may be too late for me to pass some of my classes (i predict that if i fail any, it will be 2/5...i know, it sucks right?), but now is like the latest time i would have to take charge if there is any time left at all. I just hope that i'm not living some deluded fantasy by hoping that i can still make it if it is really impossible. I'm really counting on the possibility that there really is one more chance.
Also, my room is going to get clean for real this weekend. I know that i cannot clear everything completely in the span of 3 days, but i can reduce the messiness by a significant amount. It may sound silly, but it's a lot more beneficial to one's well-being to have clean open space. It can really make a difference.
Anyway, i had this silly idea. There's a bunch of junk i can't keep. And so i thought of selling it. Ridiculous maybe, especially since the last time we had a garage sale a man was balking over the $5 price listed on an office chair, but i was thinking of a mini garage sale. I would simply set up this folding table that we have with what i intend to sell (A ping-pong table would be great for this! But my mom wouldn't let me >o<). I want to put up a sign that says "Everything is $1.00 or less. Please buy from me, i'm poor! But Mother says it's stupid because no one in our neighborhood can read/ speak English. She sounded real about that too! Come on, no one? Aren't you exaggerating just a tad? > >'' And i shall sit in front of the table with a big wide brimmed hat on my head. Maybe i'll have a book with me because i bet no one will come, and i need to pass the time. I wonder if this is even a good idea. I just hope that no one checks on me while i'm out there. I plan to sell some things that i can't have Mother or Father seeing. XD lol Good luck to me i guess Here's to HOPE! And OPTIMISM! (i bet this won't last long -.-)
-- 10:30 Haha, something funny happened... right now, as i'm in my mini money crisis... I was looking for something, and went through my top drawer. I saw my pile of cards that relatives have sent over the years, and went through them, thinking i could have left money in one or something. It turns out, i left $10 in 2 different cards and i found a card from 2008 that i never opened O.o Found $30 total. Yey =DD > <
Or rather me. Is it bad to wish for independence? If i could go my own way without judgments, (i can't believe there's no 'e' in judgment between the 'd' and the 'g'), pressure, disapproval, or choices being made for me... i would simply quit college and go get a job like my bro. (The funny thing is that he idly mentions wanting to go to college but never does anything about it so idk if it's true..) Work as quickly as possible, so as to build up my finances. I could skip unnecessary things for a while. Maybe i should start buying lottery tickets. Actually that's laughable. I know with my luck i would never win anything. I never have, because i was always a loser and always will be. Now, back to finishing homework and studying for a test that i will fail from a class i was destined to fail from the moment i walked in the door.....
So...i usually like to write when my emotions are fired up, and raw, like exposed nerve endings. Now things have smoothed over, and i feel more indifferent again. Previously, out of frustration i ripped up my 2 larger art projects, the bones and stripes. They weren't good at all anyway, and now i have an excuse to start over. My teacher's going to wring my neck however.... [why am i so fond of ripping things up? x3] Saturday was interesting. I brought about yet another dent in the corolla. This one is in the back. Now, the very front is the only section of the car that has not been damaged in any way. (Well, Bryan nearly hit a tree. There is a huge tire rut carved into the grass right next to it.) *crossing my fingers* I went to the Good Will store, because i'm looking for a certain article of clothing. I was going in the guise of a poor person; unintentionally though it was, i felt like one. Wearing that jacket with the holes in both sleeves, a shirt with 2 large ink spots at the bottom, and those baggy green pants that slip down on me, i went in. The place was large, pretty neat. The clothes were organized according to colors and style, kind of like i read about.
The funny thing is that while i nearly died on the highway (but didn't, thank goodness), the dent to the back bumper was actually sustained while backing out of my driveway. This was, i believe, the first 'accident' i have been in that was not my fault. (well, i'm sure i could have prevented it by being more careful...that's something i need to work on...) One of the neighbor's dorky friends backed into my car with his big red van thing. I did not think he was backing out, because he had just pulled in! What's with that? Anyway, while i inspected the damage, which did not look bad at the time, he came out and looked too. He offered his number if i wanted to settle it with insurance or whatever, but i declined, because all i needed was more beef from the 'rents. I should have told him "just give me $50 right here and i'll be okay with it" or something. Whatever....i thought i could bang out the dent from inside the trunk..but that shit didn't work. Of course the big D noticed it right away. He figured it was me without a second thought, and pursued me for answers. Pfft...i clammed up; not going to incriminate myself. I'm kind of at odds with the whole fam right now. It cooled down a little though... but i realized that i really do not want to go visit PA this Xmas break. It's complicated...but there are just reasons why i can't and won't do it. I will live in the park like a hobo. You'll have to drag me there. . . My parents seem to like telling my relatives that my bro and i are bad kids lately...thanks a lot guys...
And at this moment, my main goal is, to escape... but i know for now that i will just have to hold on. It is difficult at this point in my life to connect the here-and-now to the future. I want to tell myself that if i try hard now, it will make everything meaningful later. I just have a hard time focusing, being dedicated, and overall, caring. There will [hopefully] be a whole life later to be free; i must patiently bear my shackles for now...
Oh yeah, last night, i had this weird dream...it was about drugs o.o idk why... i had this stuff, it looked like granules of sea salt, but larger.. Anyway, some of it was clear/ white, but the rest was like a sea-green color, for some reason. O.o i looked up "crystal meth" and found that the stuff in my dream pretty much resembled it. http://spinellimd.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/crystal-meth.jpg I was with someone else, at a table, and the stuff was spread out on the table top. There was a feeling of being late to school; it felt more like high school days. My mom was in the background i think o.o It was like a small room...not much natural light. Anyway, i was trying to gather up everything on the table into one pile, to use. My mom had no problem with it; she was just sitting passively in the background. In fact, she might have been giving me tips. o.o The person i was with was standing behind me i believe. I was starting to use the "meth", but for some reason i took a pinch and ate it. The person was telling me that you inhale / sniff it (is that even what you do with meth? XD), but i was saying that it should have the same effect, and just kept on eating it . . .weird.
Stupid obsessions about things that make no difference or have no real significance But if it worked, in the end you can say, "I risked my life for that."
I just have to marvel at how everyone else seems to have it together while I’m always falling apart at the seams…
