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| Yeah....
I'm becoming even more human. But nevermind, i always really was. How sad.
Have to invent a lot of things...it becomes quite tiring. Feeling kind of quite lost
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| Damit. I'm getting too old for this.
Back to coffee? D: I mean, not yet, but i saved some for later because i know that i will have to 'wake up' when i actually wake up. I actually resisted it for quite a long time. What to do!
I know that i say this all the time but there just is not enough time. The break just started, and yet, it's almost Xmas, then New Year, and then we will go to PA like always and it will be back to school again. I really wish i could stay home this time, but no. At least we aren't coming back the day before the spring semester starts, like sometimes in the past. It's that cycle again. As long as i see it that way, life will probably never be very happy. Back to negativity again.
I should keep this crap to myself. Noticed that i'm blogging a lot lately.
Yet, i feel attached to my blog in some way. I can stash a small part of myself here...i guess it's some kind of safety?
Oh yeah. Back to the running out of time part. I mean, i just got more inspiration, but there's no time to act on it let alone think about it or anything... There are so many things i need to do. Gotta make this huuuge list.
I wonder if i will ever get a job?
Remember, job = money = freedom.
I told myself that i will have to try harder in the upcoming semester. What exactly is stopping me from doing well in school and having a part-time job at the same time? Gotta get in gear. All of the sentiments, like confusion and loneliness, gotta bag it, because it wastes too much energy? Got to stop dissecting everything, just let it go. It's something i have not learned even to this day, though part of me is always insisting on it. Code Name 'Dont Hold Back.' ?
One more thing, it's kind of getting to that point again. I almost feel like doing something, i don't know what, to make life a bit more exciting. The day before yesterday doesn't count, that was nothing. Just impulses again. I want to go crazy or something. There's a feeling. Perhaps i'm missing some crucial thing or opportunity, or i made a wrong choice somewhere. Maybe i was right about the dying, and it's a message saying i need to live it up before i'm gone. xp okay..
No more thinking, gotta hit the bed. XD
12-20-09 Edit: 1:38 pm_______
OMG, I HAD THIS DREAM THAT WAS FULL OF weird stuff o.o
I cannot remember the thing too well, but i know that it was night time, and i was wandering around, and after some time the police were after me. Apparently, i was being accused as this burglar who broke into a random house a few days in a row or something. At that point, i was running toward the park by the pool, trying to get into the tennis court, because i thought i had seen two of my friends going there, so i wanted to catch up to them. Oh, this was after the volleyball game! Yes, there was a volleyball game...it was inside some place with a varnished, wooden floor with a bunch of other girls, so i'm thinking it could have been the HBMS gym because that's how it was. XP
Anyway, i was running toward the tennis courts and then i saw the lights of the police flashing, and i believe someone was shouting 'Stop Right There!' and just then i reached the door of the court, thinking, oh, it's going to be locked! but saw that there was a guy in there who had most likely been playing tennis, just leaving. I was begging him to move faster and open the door just so i could get in (thinking, then i can lock it and will be safe from the police, which really makes no sense >.< note: the tennis courts were on the other side...i think it was the same way in that other dream i had too o.o) But, there was already a police officer waiting off to the other side who had come running. I was about to be arrested i think, and the funny thing is, there was this fold-able, expanding metal cage he was holding, and i think he was going to put me in there!
But just at that moment, something happened. There were loud explosive noises, and a lot of bulldozers approached from the horizon. I don't know why or how, but they were causing large explosions that kind of set things on fire and killed people. I just started running, running, and someone who was there with me kind of grabbed my arm and pulled me in another direction. I asked her frantically, "Why are we going this way?!", thinking they would just catch up with us eventually and we would end up dying. She said something, seeming quite calm. Apparently, it was the right way to go. As i saw where we were going, i thought in astonishment, oh, i have been here before ! It actually resembled the bayou (probably because i was there on Friday.) The only difference is, instead of dipping low in the middle, it rose up, and formed a somewhat narrow path to walk on. The girl and i were walking side by side. She was someone i knew, but at this point i cannot really place her. Maybe Asma? I haven't really seen her in about 2 years, so that could be why her identity is somewhat faded. > <;
I asked her, something like, "What do you think of me as a friend?" Because i didn't know if she really cared about me, and at that moment, i was feeling really sad and lonely. "Everyone is gone. I lost everyone. even..." and it hurt to think of the people i knew and loved who were dead. (XD Don't ask!) I don't know if she answered my question or not. Just then, i remembered that i had left my jacket back there by the tennis courts; i had thrown it off because i was running and felt hot.
We continued to walk down the long bayou/ pathway, and gradually daylight was coming. It was morning when we reached some new place. The sun had fully risen and everything was crisp, shining, and beautiful. I can't remember... we seemed to have reached the gates of some city? and were greeted by this smiling man. The girl with me asked if he knew about the tragedy, and he made some reference to War of the Worlds, and made it sound as if he was an occupying alien force! (it might have been a joke in the dream, but i took it as serious.) Then, about 3 or 4 guys came along, from behind us, and said hi. Whoever my friend was, she got excited, as they seemed to be from some band, which i had never heard of. They were like "yeah, we're ___!" (of course i can't remember! But i think it was something ridiculous...baha) They were probably a very new band, because they were really young. In fact, i recognized them as people back from GBHS. o.o -shrug- only people i had seen...
The smallest guy was friendly, and hugged us. Everyone seemed to be trying to welcome us to that city and make us feel at ease.... right when you entered the city, there was some kind of roofed villa thing with long, silent, echoing pathways that were made of stone or marble or something.... it made me think of a combination of St. Justin + the Scarcella Building...but was completely silent. The sky was blue and sun was shining...yeah.. The End~
In the beginning of this dream, even the ghost had been there, and i remembered her more clearly than i have in a long time, since i haven't seen her lately. o.o Oh, the dream just had this sad feeling. Like, you can always begin anew, even after loss, but you will always have this deep pang of sadness and nothing will ever be the same again. Maybe it's a lesson, because loss always happens, and i suppose i don't take it very well. But i should be prepared, for if loss should occur, and learn to deal with it, because that's life.
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| I found something...
like music from the 90's ^ ^ ahahah. It's cool.
Today was rather boring but i made a profit of around $50 o.o
So not too bad, but how can i truly profit? _stupid_ I haven't really changed, or if i did, i'm regressing
Ordered that camera...it should be here the day before Xmas > < Can't wait! Yey for Amazon. Amazon > Best Buy. XD lol
It's fun finding things to live for. I realize that the misadventures i often go through suit me very well. Rather myself experience it than anyone else. They wouldn't understand anyway. Wonder if that makes sense at all.
Stupid useless existence. =]
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| Time goes too fast. Nothing ever happens the way i want it to.
___12.19.09 edit_____________
But it's okay.
I titled yesterday my Crazy, Funny, and Odd Misadventures. Left my bike in the backyard of some random uninhabited house. Have to get it today. I have the whole house to myself today, because my family is going on a 'trip.' Too bad it couldn't have been yesterday. On the bright side, if all goes well i will get a new camera today. Yey!!! ^_^
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| That children fear less.
If so, i want to hold on to my inner child. I want that boldness, that bravery, to remain (if it ever was there in the first place.)
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